Mary Ann Meets Mary Jane

This story required me to write that headline before I saw anyone else pounce on the obvious. Maverick Views has really turned into a quality blog, hasn't it?

Hopefully you're reading my daily contributions at Donklephant. They're a little less leafy.

So, You Want to Be a White Person?

This snarky, funny as hell site has all the details on stuff white people like.

My favorites? Standing still at concerts. Expensive sandwiches. Being the only white person in ethnic restaurants.

Evil Cabal Stealing Our Elections

From the crazy conspiracy department: Diebold e-voting machines may have helped Hillary win New Hampshire. That’s right, that’s the same insidious company that allegedly stole the 2004 election for George Bush by switching or manufacturing hundreds of thousands of votes in Ohio. Apparently, they’re now working for Hillary.

OR, maybe Diebold is just a tool of a secret and cunning society working to keep the Bush/Clinton legacy alive and well. And who has benefited the most from the last 20 years? That’s right, political writers. I’m now prepared to reveal, after plenty to drink extensive research, that our elections are being stolen by a malevolent cabal comprised of Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Al Franken and Michael Moore.

Those guys will stop at nothing to stay on the bestseller lists.

And Now, A Moment of Fatherhood

From good friend Rob over at NoFrowns Nation. If this doesn’t capture what it’s like to be a young father, I don’t know what does:

You asked for a hug
and to sit on my lap
But you couldn’t admit
your desperation to yack

I picked you up
to prevent your tears
you wretched and proceeded
to puke in my beard

You declared “I don’t feel good”
while I rubbed your back
You said “I don’t like this”
I thought, “Ditto that!”

Mom came to bathe you
and dispense of your clothes
while I cleaned the floor
and purelled my toes

But I’ll tell you what
as sure as can be
I’d gladly trade places
so you can puke on mommy

Taking Tournament Brackets to the Next Level

I don’t follow college basketball. But that doesn’t matter. My brackets consistently hold up as well as the brackets of friends who obsess over the sport. That’s why the NCAA tournament is so much fun. It’s structured yet random. A lot of people get to play but only one wins.

Come to think of it, it’s a lot like presidential politics. And, really, wouldn’t the 2008 race be far less tedious if we made it a bracket system? Clinton and Obama as the one seeds on the left. Giuliani and McCain as the one seeds on the right. Then suddenly everybody’s brackets are busted when eight-seed Huckabee takes down two-seed Romney in the first round. Wouldn’t that be a hell of a lot more fun?

Get rid of the primaries and conventions. We do the whole thing every four years in November. Call it November N-sanity. We all go to the polls every weekend and vote the candidates down until one Democrat and one Republican remain. Then we throw a big party, get drunk and vote on who gets to cut the nets down on the White House basketball court.

Simple. Efficient. And, you know, pretty dang American.